Save it for the next quarter

Since getting back from France, I've been reflecting on past decisions and goals that I've set in the last couple years. And honestly, so many of them have not been accomplished. At first, it seemed like I was progressing slow-- slower than I had wanted. I told myself that it was normal and sometimes we don't get what we want immediately. I thought this for a while, but recently, my slow progress has really just turned into an all-out failure. I'm talking about failing over and over, consistently, at my favorite and most important goals.

I think it's 2 or 3 years into a goal when someone starts to lose their motivation. I started out so excited and could hardly wait for the opportunity to work towards my dreams, but I'm doubting myself. I gave up on my first and second biggest goals a year ago. I left the country for 4 months because of these failures. 

I got back 3 weeks ago thinking I would finally get things figured out, that my time of reflection would help me not make the same mistakes. So, a week ago, I put this theory to the test and very strongly disproved it. I made not only the wrong choice, but an absolutely terrible one. It caught me off guard and left me feeling anxious and defeated. Over the last week though, this decision has become so hyperbolically wrong, that it's comical. I mean, I was more wrong than wrong...

I'm questioning if I have the skills I thought I did. If I've picked the wrong goals or maybe my desires are unattainable. Maybe you know the feeling.

I want to give up. 3 weeks home and I already find myself wanting to run away again, to forget my dreams, and to avoid confronting my failures. I feel like I'm right back where I was three years ago. Am I better off than I was three years ago? I don't know.

I've been having these thoughts all week and wonder if the goals I have left are about to collapse as well. If I was so confident then, how can I be confident now? I'm about to start the professional program I believe to be my calling. Is this year going to be a train wreck too?

For example, as I'm writing this, the guy across from me slid his pulled pork sandwich across the table, which promptly flipped over the edge. He looked up at me and said, "that's bad luck." Need I say more?

This is usually the part of the story where I declare "Hope is not lost!" and insert some facet of positive psychology, but today I need to experience the emotions. If you want something uplifting/motivating, I'm handing that off to David Freidberg.

"But it is happening across the valley, we all have these thoughts, we all have these dialogues, as the failure begins to set in, in the slow-motion train wreck of a market that we've all been talking about for weeks and months. How do you deal with it? Look, I mean, I just think that number one, it's worth acknowledging and it's worth having the conversation that no one is alone going through this pain...

And we are all trying to figure out what is the best path forward. And it is a kind of thing that you just have to work your way through and you have to persist through this pain. But this existential question of am I good enough? Do I have the skill set I thought I had? Am I just an idiot?...

And how you deal with people...during these difficult times says a lot about your character and your ability, that when you do this the next time, it will set you up for success. And as any great athlete will tell you, you build muscle during the times that you're failing, and then you're ready to go and execute the next time around. So you know, let's save it for the next quarter. But let's play well as best we can right now through this quarter."

All-in Podcast, E:130 1:22