Learning to Lead (Essay)

I'm planning two more posts after this before I press pause on my blog. Likely in September and then December. I wrote this short essay three years ago and entered it into a Christian essay competition. At the time, I used the political environment as an excuse to not share it anywhere else. Authoritarianism is scary: I had very little and felt that my education and employment prospects would be at risk should I open my mouth. I think this is a fine response for most people, but someone has to stand up for what is right so that others can follow. More than once I have risked being homeless to stand up for my principles and many heroes have received fates far worse than that for their valor. I cannot forget the bus that might hit me every day I leave the house: life is fragile and can end in many ways, and if it ends because I uphold what I believe in, that's not a bad way to go. Beats cancer.

For context, I was 21 years old and three weeks into my second year in college when I wrote the following. On the first day of class, the dance instructor had said that the male role in ballroom dance leads and the female role follows. My first thought was, "You're not allowed to say that in a classroom." You can't assign roles based on gender, or can you?

Having reflected on this topic for the last couple years, I only have two things to say to my essay. First, I think that the line about neither partner asking to be in the dance is misleading. We both signed up for the class; we both signed up to dance. Second, even though I wrote this essay, I didn't understand the extent to which my masculinity had been damaged and more importantly, how that had hurt me and others in many ways, for many years. I still have a lot to learn about what it means to be a leader and how my gender plays into that.

I wrote this essay two months before the release ChatGPT 3.5, which kicked off the large language model frenzy. I bring this up for two reasons: First, I think it may be interesting to the future to have a record of what was likely my last essay to be written without the input or influence of AI. And second, we are trying to build AI that will replicate humans. I think we continue to inch forward in our capacity to create intelligences and to becoming gods, as I have mentioned in past posts. Some are concerned, whether justifiable I don't know, that humanity will be lost to AI, but someone also pointed out to me recently that the AI has been and will continue to be created based on humans. Therefore, whatever we do and say today will be what AI gets trained on, what it learns, and therefore, what it becomes. So, I hope that since I'm posting this essay, and these thoughts, on Blogspot, a Google owned and operated platform (and publicly accessible platform), that these thoughts and my experiences will make their way into the AI. And in that sense, the AI will at least have a chance of doing the right thing.

9/21/2022

Learning to Lead

“Hey! Do you want to come to my dance class?” a guy says to me in the hallway.

I wear earbuds when I walk, so people don’t talk to me.

“It’s happening right now! And we need more men!” he explains emphatically.

This guy must be desperate. He’s asking me, a stranger, doing their best to avoid all social interaction, to join his dance class. Man, this guy must be desperate.

I politely decline, promising to take his class next semester, because I’m already taking 5 dance credits. And at the end of the day, I’m no dancer. 

-----

The sister of James E. Talmage, Martha Maude, was desperate too. Martha spent the last years of her life in a depriving oscillation of severe illness and modest discomfort. A year before her death, she was overcome with an extraordinary sick spell. Upon recognizing the seriousness of her condition, she called upon Talmage’s friend and mentor, Karl G. Maeser, to administer to her. Talmage found Maeser’s support noteworthy as it acted “as a stimulus reviving her for a time.” But Martha eventually succumbed to her illness, which left Talmage pondering about the nature of God. Concerning this death, Talmage remarked, “Does not this show that the Lord works on principles not known to man?” Some have tried to answer Talmage’s question, claiming, “God has no principles!” I too, at times, have been left questioning God’s methods. One topic in particular comes to mind:

“By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.”

 – The Family: A proclamation to the world.

I heard my friend share this principle over the pulpit one Sunday service. I wondered, “protect my family from what?” I was genuinely at a loss of what my future role as a father and husband should be and how I would come to understand the meaning of this statement.

My confusion started the first day of my sophomore year of high school. Social movements, fueled by current events, left me feeling as though my gender was under attack. My greatest fear was not that a bully was going to steal my lunch money, but that one of my female classmates would falsely accuse me of assaulting her. I went as far as to write poetry about walking to my car at night, not as the potential victim, but as the potential attacker. As I interacted with society, I found it best to hide my masculinity: shoulders slouched. Head down. Earbuds in. Nobody can rightly accuse you of anything if your hands are always in your pockets, right?

-----

I put my earbuds back in.

That’s the third person to ask me to join their ballroom dance class today! I marvel and start bathing in the idea of being a hot commodity. But it’s more than being a hot commodity, I start to realize; it’s that for the first time in my life, I’m not hated for being a man.

“You have to lead!” a girl tells me sternly in my dance class.

“What does it mean to lead?” I ask myself. What does it mean to preside?

As I dance, I feel a connection with this girl. I lead; she follows. I lead; she follows. Neither of us asked to be in this position, but we both agreed to the terms of the dance. And as we dance, I notice our rhythm fall into place, our footsteps fall into sync, and my insecurities fall away.

Talmage understood the importance of the connection men have with those around them. He revered his grandfather, who “died in the possession of the priesthood and a firm belief, and faith in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day- saints.” He honored his mentor, Karl Maeser, who assisted to his sister’s needs tirelessly. And he dignified himself as a father, husband, and mentor to his community. I hope to dignify myself in the same way.

I still carry pieces of my broken masculinity with me. I still hold my hand behind my back when I walk past a woman. I still struggle to lead when I dance. But I’m beginning to understand how I can use my divine gifts to serve those around me.